


Still.

by hoothootyhoot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akiteru being a good brother, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Brotherly Love, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Kuroo is depressed, M/M, Sorta they're not actual brothers but it is brotherly love, Tsukki is dead oops, kuroo is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 03:28:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14252067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoothootyhoot/pseuds/hoothootyhoot
Summary: Tetsurou avoided visiting Kei's grave. It felt too final, too real. It cemented the reality that he wasn't alive anymore, that he was gone from Tetsurou's life. His world had come crashing down, yet, everyone continued on. It wasn't fair. Why did the world have to keep spinning when his world was still?Kei is gone, but Tetsurou is still waiting for him to come back.





	Still.

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea awhile ago and I kept thinking about Kuroo would say, and it made me tear up a little, but I didn't do the idea justice kskdnfaj   
> :)

Tetsurou took a steadying breath, navigating his way around the stone markers until he found the one he was looking for. His hands shook, his feet unsure. He felt like he was walking through a haze, as if he wasn’t actually there. At the base of the gray stone, there was a small bundle of wilted flowers, once vibrant and colorful. It had been three months since the funeral, but Tetsurou felt like he saw the flowers just yesterday. The days blurred together now, he supposed. The problem with that was… that he felt like he was the only one who remembered that the person buried six feet under the ground was once alive. Everyone was trying to move on now. The world would keep turning, even when Tetsurou’s had stopped. That was the cruel reality. Despite the time that had passed, to Tetsurou, the world wasn’t moving. He was standing still as others moved around him in a blur. Now, looking at the stone, acknowledging it, it made it seem final. Real.

He stood in front of the stone embedded in the ground, an all too familiar name carved into it. He found himself leaning down, his fingers ghosting across the engraved letters with a soft touch. He remembered his fingers trailing along a face that was now buried six feet under the ground, his fingers following the same movement. But instead of finding soft skin alive, warm to the touch, he found a cold surface, hard and dead. An inexplicable tightness settled in his chest, gripping him like a vice. It felt like there was a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow down. He felt dizzy, struggling to stay standing. His eyes burned, and his vision was blurry. Before he knew it, he was on his knees, arms pulled tight around himself. His mouth had opened, as if to scream, but the sound refused to come out. He collapsed in on himself, sucking in the deep breath his lungs ached for, only for it to disappear again as a sob ripped through his body.

“ _Come back!_ ” his voice sounded alien to his own ears, “Don’t leave me here alone! _Come back!_ ” The words made his throat raw, as if something had scraped it. His arms unfolded from his shaking body, planting themselves firmly on the grass in front of the gravestone. “Come back to me…” he whispered, knowing that it was useless. His words fell to the wind, carried away from the ears he hoped they would land on. Tetsurou’s eyes fell shut, his head falling limp. The tears that fell from his eyes landed in the grass below. Every part of Tetsurou ached. Kei- his Kei- was gone. He was so close, yet so far away. No matter what Tetsurou did, he couldn’t reach him. Tsukishima Kei was dead, and there was nothing that Tetsurou could do.

Tetsurou sat back on his knees, staring at the gravestone that marked where Kei would spend the rest of Tetsurou’s life, his brother’s life, his brother’s children’s lives. He was there for the rest of eternity- however long that was. He brought a hand up, wiping his eyes as he took a shaky breath in an attempt to calm down. He stared at the grass in front of his feet, growing from where the dirt had been overturned. It, too, had continued on living. It wasn’t fair. Why was everything allowed to continue on when for Tetsurou, the rest of the world stopped? The one he loved was gone, and he could do nothing but hurt. It wasn’t fair.

“You know… everything is exactly how you left it,” Tetsurou said, the tips of his fingers brushing over the grass, “Your towel is still beside mine. Your favorite blanket is still tossed over that reading chair you love so much.” Tetsurou gave a pained smile, his eyes squeezing shut again as he whispered. “Your pillow is still there. Your books. Your headphones. The box of cake that we never finished. We were supposed to eat that together, you know…” Tetsurou’s body rocked back and forth, as if to shake the pain from it. “Everything is still the same.” Tetsurou refused to touch anything that belonged to Kei, as if it would tarnish the object itself. The last person to touch it was Tsukishima Kei, and he wanted it to stay that way.

“I keep waiting for your alarm to go off in the morning, and then hear the snooze button being pressed over and over. I keep thinking I have to roll over to finally wake you up so you won’t be late for work. At the end of the day, I keep waiting to hear that door click, for you to walk in and throw your keys on the table. For you to take off your shoes and sit beside me on the sofa, and complain about your feet hurting…” Tetsurou took in a slow breath, steadying himself as he looked at the grave, “I keep waiting, Kei. But you… you’re not… coming back. Are you?” The words that fell from his lips were more of a statement than a question that he knew he would never get an answer to. And yet, the silence cut deeper than any words could in that moment.

“Everything at the apartment reminds me of you. Everywhere I look, you’re everywhere. It hurts, because a part of me keeps thinking you’re here. But you’re not,” Tetsurou’s hand raked through his hair, “I’m scared to forget you. I don’t want to forget you. But I… some… some days, I forget what your voice sounds like. How could I forget that? Your voice… your damn voice. I can’t… remember your laugh. And that hurts so much worse than remembering.” He took another shaky breath, this time looking up at the sky. It was getting darker, and Tetsurou knew he should be going home.

“You know I… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I even miss our arguments. Both of us would be so damn sure we were right,” he let out a humorless laugh, “If you come back, I might even admit that you were almost always right.” The silence only cut deeper as tears fell freely, Tetsurou’s heart only growing heavier. “You always got that same crease between your eyebrows as when you were concentrating really hard. I loved reaching out to try and smooth it out. Then you’d wrinkle your nose at me, and it was the cutest thing. I can’t really tease you about that anymore, so you have to come back so I can.”

Tetsurou closed his eyes, letting out a sigh as he turned so his head was in front of the gravestone. He let his hands lay over his stomach, clasped as he remembered Kei’s were at the funeral. Tetsurou’s were warm, while Kei’s were cold. Even when he was alive, Kei’s hands were freezing, so Tetsurou would always be holding them. When Kei was cold at home, they would both curl under blankets and drink hot tea while watching whatever movie was on TV. They had at least ten blankets, all neatly folded and set on what was designated the “everything chair”. When they got lazy, they placed everything there. For the past several months, it had been claimed by the blankets that only kept adding up. Kei’s favorite, though, was draped over his favorite reading spot. It sat by the window, and Tetsurou remembered the sun hitting Kei just right. His light hair shone, the golden flecks in his brown eyes standing out, the blanket thrown messily over him as he read his chosen book. Whenever Kei was reading, that blanket was there. It was the one that Tetsurou had bought for him after their fourth date. It was during the winter, then, and Tetsurou had learned that Kei did not do well in the cold. The blanket had followed Kei since.

But now, that blanket sat alone on the chair by the window. The sun would always hit it, and sometimes Tetsurou could swear he would see Kei under that same blanket. He knew it wasn’t possible, of course, seeing as the owner was no longer there. Several times, Tetsurou thought about curling under that blanket just to remember Kei. He could never bring himself to do it, couldn’t bring himself to disturb the blanket that Kei had last touched. So there it sat, beneath the same sunlight and on the same chair Kei used to share with it. It absolutely killed Tetsurou.

“Kuroo.”

Tetsurou’s eyes opened to find a fading sky greeting him, along with a pair of concerned eyes. For a moment, he thought they were Kei’s. But, he remembered, Kei’s were a lighter brown- almost hazel. These eyes were darker, and held a gentler look. He blinked, connecting the eyes to their owner. He sat up, bringing a knee up for his arm to rest on.

“…You fell asleep,” Akiteru said gently, looking at Tetsurou with sad eyes. He looked as tired as Tetsurou felt, dark circles under his once bright eyes. “I didn’t want to leave you here all night.” Tetsurou nodded, as a thanks. A hand extended towards him, offering help to him. He reached up, taking it before being pulled to his feet. Akiteru stared at him, concern still written across his face.

“I’m fine,” Tetsurou reassured, turning to look back towards the stone that marked Kei’s- his Kei’s- grave.

“No you’re not.” Tetsurou looked at Akiteru, his brows furrowed at his words. “You’re not. Don’t tell me you are.”

Tetsurou’s mouth opened to deny it, to say he was okay. But nothing came out. Akiteru reached out again, his hand gripping Tetsurou’s arm before pulling him into a tight hug.

“It’s okay to not be okay.”

His eyes squeezed shut, his face contorting in pain. Tetsurou took a deep breath, dropping his head relax against Akiteru’s shoulder.

“I miss him too, Kuroo… I miss him too…” the pain in Akiteru’s voice bled through his words, and that made Tetsurou realize that he wasn’t as alone as he felt. Akiteru was grieving too. He lost Kei too. His world had stopped.

Tears fell from his eyes, and for the first time in a long time, Tetsurou felt comforted. Akiteru was always strong for the people in his family, and he realized that Tetsurou was a part of his family too. He protected Tetsurou the same way he protected Kei- he saw that it was his job to become a big brother to them both, a pillar of strength and unwavering support. But now, one of the people he had to protect was gone. Akiteru was hurting too, and Tetsurou was someone who could share that pain. Where Akiteru had lost his brother, Tetsurou had lost the one he loved more than anything in the world. For both of them, living without Kei was unthinkable. But Akiteru still had one more person to protect, the one Kei loved, and the one Akiteru had planned to call his brother-in-law. Tetsurou… he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Everything had come crashing down at once, and he felt lost. But for once, he knew he needed to let himself be supported. He felt weak, he felt alone, he felt scared.

“Come on… Let’s get something to eat,” Akiteru pulled away, his hand resting on Tetsurou’s shoulder. He gave a sad smile and a light squeeze, then looking at Kei’s grave with a broken look that Tetsurou just couldn’t associate with Akiteru. Tetsurou nodded, looking back at Kei’s grave with a pained look before following Akiteru out of the graveyard.

Tetsurou was broken. He was lost. But he wasn’t alone. He knew that, now. It wasn’t just his world that had stopped turning. But he knew that his world would never start turning again. That world was buried six feet beneath the ground. 

* * *

When Tetsurou came home, the first thing he did was wrap himself in Kei’s blanket.

**Author's Note:**

> :)  
> To clarify:   
> The relationship between Kuroo and Akiteru is N O T romantic. It's purely Akiteru seeing Kuroo as a little brother that he has to protect, and in his eyes, he already failed his real little brother.


End file.
